#the shitpost pile || forgive me my shitty sense of humour

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Mattcore

[historia-vitae-magistras]

@maple-queen your tags!!!!

@historia-vitae-magistras biblically accurate matt

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Matt in Dutch History:

Matt in British history:

Matt in French History:

Matt in American History:

Matt in his own history:

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Arthur as Matt's parent is so funny because when discussing them with humans he's trying so hard to make them all sound respectable even now. And he fails.

One child can be discussed as a NASA engineer and astronaut, one is baked, one is a wildlife rehabilitation veterinarian and one is probably a neurosurgeon. Arthur's struggling so much like "He's a conch of a lad.... And plays hockey sometimes?"

Zero ambition. Mediocre Williams. His only goal is to get some sleep. The only high scores he has to his name are two kinds of body counts. He hasn't produced organic serotonin in 60 years. Yes, King, give us absolutely nothing. Fucking loser. I love him so much.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

I think one of the most meta? Ironic? moments I've ever heard of is when during WW1 a group of Canadian soldiers (alongside other imperial forces) accidentally stumbled across a pre-Roman mass grave of Celtic warriors while digging up French bodies to try and make their trenches more hygienic.

Like can you imagine being some illiterate shitty frozen french peasant that got stuck fighting for the British empire gagging your way through digging up bodies only to finally get to some clean dirt and find more bones? Of warriors who died in battle much the same way? Who lived and died in the same place your ancestors lived for tens of centuries only to be dumped across an ocean and returned only to die on that exact same patch of dirt? The pure striated irony in that soil around Arras.

I need to research this further because the source was a drunk history nerd session that got pretty trippy but goddamn. Also Matt shoveling through the bullshit muttering about cleaning up after his dead beat dad Napoleon Blown Apart and coming face to face with grandpa's? Grandma's? Old gaulish bones like "great, another layer to the daddy's issues imperial mille-feuille. Wonderful. Can I go scrub the brains off my shovel now? Thanks." Because everyone's been disassociating for like 3 years. It's great.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Alfred, low-key dying of cold: "Last time my balls were this blue I was still in my isolationist era. 😭"

[historia-vitae-magistras]

in hetalia milf stands for 'motherland I'd like to fuck'

[historia-vitae-magistras]

POV you've gotta pick up your cross-faded loser of a baby brother up from the drunk tank

at least he has the decency to look ashamed of himself.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Matt is always going to be bi to me, but my god, there is something so unnervingly heterosexual about a country that named its first settlement: titty.

Tadoussac. From the Innu word meaning 'breasts.' after some local hills.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Mattcore is the vintage Canadian UFO footage that sees everyone up in arms about some glowing lights but not about the fashion travesties that is this fuckers toque. Because nothing says professionalism and authority like the pom pom maman included, right?

[historia-vitae-magistras]

God, the rock British Invasion must have been so fucking funny. Some of the youth just sitting in his parlour full of pinned butterflies, stuffed great awk and a taxidermied dodo or two listening to Sister Rosetta Tharpe and Arthur's waistcoat wearing ass smelling like gin and consumption walks in to bitch about the noise but then he casually picks up a guitar and fucking shreds. Like who are you??? And what have you done with the crusty old Victorian who called the music of the 20s that dastardly yank heathen sex jazz????

[historia-vitae-magistras]

semi-annual meme compilation

bonus: memes from my last presentation

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Matt's not necessarily a good person but I swear the brownie points he has just from from preventing the premature trauma of walking in on Arthur fucking must be immense.

The sheer amount of times he just barely managed to snatch up a child and run before they walked in on Arthur and Gabriel or Arthur and Francis or Arthur and Emma or name a fuck, any fuck rutting like animals on the breakfast table or in the rose garden has earned him a lifetime of favours.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Matt is probably about to have a Christmas day mental breakdown because someone gets him a really nice water cup. Its a nice present, he's a dehydrated bitch. It's either a sweet gesture or perhaps a dice game swap gift.

But alas, it's the first Stanley Cup he's gotten in 30 fucking years. So he'll be up in a tree crying until he's drunk enough to stop lmao.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

Not to be randomly a bit Rated M for mature on main, children look away. but 97% of the reason I think Matt is a total ride is because he's gotta have at least several inches of Mattie Moosecock Williams in his trousers to get through several layers of winter clothes just to have a piss.

[historia-vitae-magistras]

I feel like Matt occasionally sends memes like this to Alfred and the response is usually "🙄 You had a jar of pickled beets for dinner at least once this week. Don't pretend you have standards."